The ministry of grief

I’ve been told that one of the interesting aspects of this blog is that there is a wide variety of subjects that I bring up.  This is evident just in looking at the last few blogs that I’ve written.  I do have a lot of interests.  But when I started this blog back in 2011, I never would have thought that one of the subject matters that I would tackle is my own personal grief.  My father’s unexpected passing turned my world upside-down.

To lose someone that you love is excruciating pain.  For me, it was the most intensely painful season of my life.  And that pain never really goes away; you just adapt and get used to the aching hole that the departed loved one’s absence leaves in your life.  But there’s another interesting phenomenon that occurs when you lose someone you love: stories of other people’s loss hits you differently.

For example, on September 11th, we commemorated the fifteenth anniversary of the horrible events of 9/11/01.  Before the Patriots/Cardinals game kicked off on Sunday Night Football, they played the recorded thoughts of President’s George W. Bush and Barack Obama.  President Bush’s words in particular gripped me.  He spoke of how for so many it was just another day of football, but for the thousands of people who lost loved ones that horrendous day, 9/11/16 was a very difficult day.  I was hit with a wave of emotion and near tears at that thought.  I instantly resonated with the intense emotional pain of those families.

Recently I learned of another loss.  My sister-in-law’s Grandma passed away a little over a week ago.  I didn’t have the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her (just at a few family get-togethers), but I know the agonizing pain that is gripping my sister-in-law and that whole family who loves her.  Incidentally, if you are a praying person, please keep them in your prayers.

Did you notice my blog title today?  I called it 'The ministry of grief.'  What I mean by that is because God helped me trudge through my intense grief, I now have a responsibility to turn around and help others in their grief.  2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God “comforts us in all our troubles so what we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  By the way, I know from personal experience that one of the best ways I can do this is to cover the mourning with prayer.  Not to try to offer concise explanations or try to force them to just get over it and move on with life.  There is no quick fix when it comes to losing someone you love.  Grief takes time.

Kevin 

Contemplating Spider-Man 4

Here’s an interesting trivia fact: after Spider-Man 3, Tobey Maguire, Kirstin Dunst, and Director Sam Raimi all planned on returning to make Spider-Man 4.  And why not?  Each of the Spider-Man movies were huge blockbuster hits.  This film was to have Anne Hathaway as Felicia Hardy; John Malkovich was in talks to play the Vulture; and Dylan Baker was finally going to make his transformation from Curt Conners into the Lizard.  But after several script rewrites, the film was ultimately abandoned in 2010.

In the words of Sam Raimi: “I wanted to make Spider-Man 4 to end on a high note, the best Spider-Man of them all.  But I couldn’t get the script together in time.”  So he went to Sony Pictures and announced, “Go ahead with your reboot, which you’ve been planning anyway.”  Thus the Andrew Garfield era was ushered in.  I’ve included the link where I got this information, should you be interested.  I personally would have loved to have seen Spider-Man 4.  I was disappointed that it never made it to the big screen. 

http://spiderman.wikia.com/wiki/Spider-Man_4_(cancelled_film) 

So what might have happened in Spider-Man 4?  I don't mean the Sam Raimi version of the film with the Vulture.  That's off the table.  We do, however, get a palatable answer from You Tube of all places.  There are people on You Tube who upload fake trailers for movies.  I have to confess that I generally don’t care for these fake, fan-made trailers.  However, I really liked one submitted by someone named smily179 for Spider-Man 4.  In it, we are introduced to a future for Peter Parker and Mary Jane that is quite plausible.  It is as follows:

After the events of Spider-Man 3, Peter and Mary Jane get married.  They eventually have a son and name him Harry, in honor of Peter’s best friend Harry Osborn.  Years pass.  Harry Parker (played by Andrew Garfield, which is a brilliant idea) is now a teenager.  But a dangerous mercenary named Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) has come to learn of Peter Parker’s secret identity.  To draw him out, he attacks those closest to Peter (including the shocking and tragic murder of Peter’s Aunt May).  

Peter knows he has to stop Deadpool, but he doesn’t have to do so alone.  Peter’s son, Harry, seeing his responsibility, decides to fight by his father’s side. Harry Parker actually has spider abilities as well (presumably they were reproduced from Peter) meaning Deadpool contends with two Spider-Men.  In my mind, after Deadpool is defeated, Peter retires and passes the torch to his son. Like father, like son!

What an imaginative and creative idea for a film!   I have to give credit to smily197.  Even though there’s never going to be a Spider-Man 4 film, this fan-made trailer for a non-existent movie gave me the closure that I didn’t even really know I needed for the Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man era.  

Kevin 

Contemplating Spider-Man 3

Next year – 2017 – the film Spider-Man 3 will celebrate its ten-year anniversary of being released.  This is astounding to me.  I still vividly remember the first time that I watched this movie in theaters with my brother.  It certainly doesn’t seem like this film is that old already, but it is.  To commemorate this fact, I wanted to talk about this film.  I know I could do this next year, but I figured now was as good a time as any.

Whenever I talk about Spider-Man 3, I have to make this disclaimer lest I lose all credibility as a superhero enthusiast: Spider-Man 3 is far from the greatest superhero movie.  This Spider-Man installment has noticeable warts and flaws.  The film is too long.  There are too many characters.  And there are way too many story lines – Harry Osborn’s amnesia, for example, should have been eliminated from the final script.  I could mention more, but you get my point.  This isn’t an unblemished superhero flick by any stretch of the imagination.

 

But, blunders of the film notwithstanding, I still firmly believe that there are praiseworthy elements to this movie as well.  In fact, back in 2013, I wrote a two-part blog that I entitled “6 things I love about Spider-Man 3”.  So check that out, if you are so inclined.  Having given the introductory material let me dive in to the main content.

 

One of the main story lines in this film is how a mysterious black, alien goo (officially called a “symbiote”) bonds with Peter Parker.  At first, Peter loves the increased power that the suit gives him.  But the symbiote’s influence makes Peter/Spider-Man darker, angrier, and more violent.  In preparation for this blog, I watched portions of this film again, and it struck me how the black suit seems to be a metaphorical indication that the host is harboring bitterness, rage, and unforgiveness.  This was certainly the case for Peter for most of the film.  But it’s true of another character named Eddie Brock.

Eddie Brock is an interesting study (to say nothing of the fact that he was portrayed by Topher Grace; something that angered many fans).  Eddie Brock is Peter’s Parker’s rival.  The previous photographer of the Daily Bugle had quit, and both wanted to fill the vacant spot.  The editor, J. Jonah Jameson, issues a challenge: whoever can bring in a photograph of Spider-Man as the menace of the city that Jameson believes Spidey to be, that person will be rewarded with the job.

Brock resorts to trickery and deception; he doctors a fake photo of Spider-Man in the throes of crime.  Peter, still in black at this point, rightfully exposes Brock’s plot, but he does so with much more vengeful hate than was necessary, even going so far as to call Brock “trash.”  Spidey is exonerated, but he has gained an enemy.  The next time we see Eddie Brock, he goes to a church.  He is so angry, he actually asks God to kill Peter Parker.  Ultimately, just after Peter rejects the suit, the symbiote bonds with Eddie Brock, creating one of Spider-Man’s most formidable opponents: Venom.  Incidentally, he is never once referred to as Venom, a fact of the movie that still really bothers me to this day.  But I digress.

In the exciting conclusion, one can clearly see Eddie/Venom’s rage toward Peter.  For example, at one point, he essentially tells Peter, “You humiliated me, now I’m going to humiliate you.”  Once again, as I said before, the black suit is an indication that the person is harboring vengeance and unforgiveness.  This whole thing was a simple matter of revenge for Eddie.  He could have let the whole matter drop, but he never did.  I think this conveys an important truth: while we can’t live without being hurt, we don’t have to be like Eddie Brock; we can choose to let it go.  We can choose to forgive.  That’s why I love the ending scenes of Spider-Man 3.  Forgiveness is extended on multiple occasions; it is beautiful and glorious to see.

Kevin

The great power of forgiveness

There is a film that is currently playing in theatres that I wanted bring up today.  It’s called “Ben-Hur”.  I was able to see it recently, and I figured I would briefly give my thoughts on this film.  First of all, it has a marvelous message.  The message is that there is a very high cost for harboring bitterness, and conversely, there is great power in forgiveness.  It reminded me of Spider-Man 3 a film that has a very similar message.  Unlike that film, “Ben-Hur” actually has Jesus Christ in it; fascinatingly, when Judah Ben-Hur, the main character, sees Christ being crucified it completely transforms him from a man who seeks revenge to a man who chooses to let it all go and forgive.

However, be aware that this film is violent.  It could have been given an “R” rating.  There is bloodshed, people are whipped, ran over by chariots, and we see even see characters without limbs, and disfigured, as a result of the violence.  In short, it might be difficult for some to wade through all the violence, blood, and the overall intense mood of the film that rests on the viewer like a blanket, to get to the wonderful ending.

I have been thinking about forgiveness for several reasons lately.  One reason is because I saw “Ben-Hur”, but also because I have experienced the power of forgiveness in my life.  When I state this, I mean that this has occurred recently.  I have had the opportunity to extend forgiveness in several episodes in my life, but the Lord seems to always give me the opportunity to practice forgiveness again before I speak about it in this blog!  Rest assured, I have learned afresh about the power of forgiveness.

Did you know that the Bible, in the book of Hebrews, speaks of avoiding a “root of bitterness” (NKJV)?  I’ve learned a lot about roots since I have had to take on the responsibility of caring for the lawn that my dad took care of so faithfully.  I know firsthand how weeds can pop up and if you don’t uproot them, they get bigger, and they eventually take over your entire lawn.  That’s a great picture of what bitterness and unforgiveness can do in a life.  It will get bigger and take over every facet of life.  In fact, that text in Hebrews goes on to say that the bitter root “grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).

 

In a chapter of their book “The Soul of Spider-Man” Jeff Dunn and Adam Palmer are talking about Peter Parker’s decision to harbor unforgiveness and bitterness in the film Spider-Man 3.  They are apt when they write, “If bitterness is the root, what will fruit of the tree be like?  An apple tree has apple tree roots.  It produces juicy apples, good to eat.  But if the roots are bitter, the fruit of that tree will be bitter.  In other words, if you allow anger to take root, all areas of your life will eventually taste bitter.”  So what, then, is the antidote?  The only way that you will ever truly be set free is to extend forgiveness.  As I said earlier, this isn’t just something that I’m saying because it looks good in a blog; I’m saying it because it’s something I have experienced on numerous occasions in my life. Forgiveness is the only way to experience liberation.

Kevin  

Final thoughts on the one-year anniversary

I made the joke at the beginning of July that I wanted to title every blog for that month “Is it August yet?”  Well, now that July is in the rearview mirror.  I thought you all might be interested to know how it was for me to live through the one-year anniversary of my dad’s passing.  I bring this up because I hope it will benefit those of you are walking through your own valley of the shadow of death.

 

Frankly, I’m glad that it is now August because the whole month of July of 2016 was difficult.  It was much more difficult than I expected it to be.  The closer it got to the anniversary day of his passing away, the more difficult it became.  I realized that you have to be ready for memories to bubble up to the surface and tightly grip your emotions.  Perhaps your journey has included recent loss and grief like mine.  Let me tell you something for your information: the year mark is a danger zone.  Be vigilant.  Be on your guard.  It won’t be easy.

I decided to look back at all of the blogs I wrote since last July.  At one point, I made the comment that losing a parent is a defining moment.  Indeed it is.  I’ve had other defining moments in my life, and they were all important events as well.  But this one is, without a doubt, the most difficult to swallow.  Never have these words been so apropos than this fatherless chapter of my life: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).  Let me declare, to the glory of God alone, that if I didn’t have my hope, faith, and trust in God, I’m not sure how I would have gotten through these hard days.

Kevin  

My "ongoing tribute"

In an episode of the show, “Justice League” Superman is presumed dead after a battle with some formidable enemies (he is later discovered to be alive; he is Superman after all).  After the events of this fight, the rest of the episode focuses on the grief, pain, and sadness that Superman’s apparent death inflicted on everyone in his sphere of influence.

In the gripping scene of Superman’s funeral, one of his allies gave a poignant and eloquent speech about his friend.  I have thought of these words periodically this year as I contemplate the fact that my dad is no longer being with us.  Here are his beautiful words of respect to Superman:

“Though we gather here today bound together in sorrow and loss, we share a precious gift.  We are all of us privileged to live a life that has been touched by Superman. 

The Man of Steel possessed many extraordinary gifts, and he shared them with us freely.  None of these gifts were more remarkable than his ability to discern what needed to be done, and his unfailing courage in doing it, whatever the personal cost.

Let us all strive to accept his gift, and pass it along as an ongoing tribute to Kal-El of Krypton.  The immigrant from the stars who taught us all how to be heroes.”

Every time we have gone to the graveside, I have placed a card with Superman’s ‘S’ emblem on the front of it in the dirt next to his marker.  On one occasion, on the inside of the card I wrote, “Jerry Bauer, my dad, Superman.”  The fact that I gave him this designation makes the touching words of tribute to Superman in the above quote all the most emotional to me.

 

I wish I would have had the thought to read those beautiful words of tribute at my dad’s funeral service.  But I’m grateful that I can share them with you today and forever have them in the records of this blog.  Tears come to my eyes when I read Superman’s ally say, “We are all of us privileged to live a life that has been touched by Superman.”  Similarly, everyone who knew my dad shared a gift, a privilege, of knowing him.  He, like Superman, touched so many lives in a positive way.

But I think the section I love the most in that quote is when he speaks of striving to honor the memory of Superman by passing his unselfish example to others as an “ongoing tribute” to Kal-El, the Man of Steel.  In reference to my dad, I want to honor his memory, character, and life by following in his footsteps.  It is my “ongoing tribute” to Dad.  My father was loving, humble, kind, forgiving, and he was the most unselfish person I’ve ever known.  Why shouldn’t I follow in his footsteps?  Why shouldn’t I attempt to emulate the Superman-like example of my dad?

Kevin  

Reflections on life 1 year later

Everyone gets wounds.  This is an inevitable part of life.  One interesting aspect about wounds is that some of them are so deep that, upon healing, they eventually result in a scar.  For instance, I have a scar on my right arm, and I’ve had it since I was a child.  Similarly, there was a wound that happened to me a year ago; the wound of the unexpected homecoming of my dad.  While I have been focusing on (and celebrating) Dad’s existence in Heaven, it hasn’t been a picnic for the countless individuals who feel his absence.

Back on Memorial Day, I quoted from Richard Exley’s book “When You Lose a Loved One”.  At one point in the book, Exley quotes Joe Bayly who said these words: “Death is a wound to the living.”  It’s so true!  And, once again, even after the wound heals, the scar will remain forever.  In other words, even though I will always miss my dad, the acute intensity of these early days will eventually pass.

For many years my dad signed off of his radio broadcast by saying, “God bless!  Keep your hand in His hand, and keep on keeping on.”  We are striving to “keep on keeping on”, and while the wound is still fresh, I can testify that it is God who is sustaining us.  Psalm 146:9 says that God “sustains the fatherless and the widow” (NIV).  I’m proof that He certainly does sustain the fatherless, and I know that my mom would quickly affirm that she is being sustained by God as well.

When you lose someone you love unexpectedly, it has a profound impact on you.  It colors the way you view life.  I like the way a character on the short-lived TV show “Birds of Prey” put it: “You lose someone and it changes you so much; how you think about life and death.  It makes everything different.”  I may look the same, but I’m not the same person I was a year ago.  A major life event such as this changes you.

I could list example after example of this, but to give just one, in the movie “The Truman Show” Truman Burbank (played superbly by Jim Carrey) made a profound statement.  He said, “Life is fragile.”  While I may have had an intellectual understanding of Truman’s thought before the events of last year, I now find myself resonating deeply with it.  Life certainly is fragile.

Kevin

“God bless!  Keep your hand in His hand, and keep on keeping on.” – Jerry Bauer (1954-2015)