My grief on Father's Day week

Longtime readers of this blog will understand why I titled this blog what I did, but if you are new, let me briefly explain.  Next month will mark three years since my dad unexpectedly passed away; he was just 60 years old.  Because of this fact, Father’s Day is a difficult day for me.

I’ve been re-reading a helpful little booklet entitled “When a Parent Dies: Dealing with the Loss of Your Mother or Father” by David Kessler.  He writes, “Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through the grief.  But how long do you grieve for the man who was your father for 30 years?  Do you grieve less for your mother of 50 years? The loss happens in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime.”

This notion was addressed in the fifth season of the TV show “Smallville”.  In a shocking episode, Jonathan Kent suffers a heart attack that tragically ends his life.  Fascinatingly, in the very next episode of the series, despite enduring the turmoil of his dad’s passing, Clark seems to think he should already be over it.  He confesses to the first love of his life, Lana Lang, “I know I should be able to move on, but life without him doesn’t feel real.”  Lana, who knows something about grief herself (she lost both of her parents when she was just a girl), replies with one of the best lines on mourning a loved one in the early days I’ve ever heard.  She says, “It’s like you’re frozen, and the whole world is going on around you.”

Three years later, waves of grief can still hit me and remind me of the enormity of my loss.  For example, recently I wanted to put on a film that was light and innocuous.  I had just purchased a movie about two dogs and a cat for five dollars in a bargain bin at Walmart.  So I played it.  When the end credits rolled, I heard Dad’s voice in my head.  He always used to say, “That was a good movie” with a sappy, sentimental tone of voice, as the credits rolled.  This was his way of saying that he enjoyed the film because it was an animal movie (a genre he loved) that was particularly gripping.  This memory made me cry.  To quote Kessler’s words again: “The loss happens in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime.”

Kevin

The week leading up to Father's Day

In acknowledgment of the fact that Father’s Day is this Sunday, I have some things I want to say.  At this point, I don’t know how many blogs I will submit this week, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about the subject of fathers and Father’s Day.

For today, I wanted to share that I recently saw an episode of the TV show “Father Knows Best” that I thought was apropos.  For the uninformed, this was a TV show that premiered way back in 1954 (interestingly, this is the year that my own father was born).  It featured the Anderson family: Jim and Margaret, the parents; and their three children Betty, Bud, and Kathy.

In the episode, the local newspaper had announced a contest to nominate the “father of the year” by asking children to compose a 25-word essay stating why they believed their father deserved the honor.  The episode began with the Anderson children thinking about what they were going to write regarding their father.  They were having trouble with exactly what to say.  This was made worse when the older children each got angry with Jim over decisions he had made regarding two separate situations.  They felt he was being unfair, but they were the ones who were in the wrong (it is a show called “Father Knows Best” after all!).  As the story progressed, both children saw their dad’s wisdom.

So, in the end, the children surprised their dad by sharing that they wrote these words for the contest: “We think that our father, James Anderson, should be named Father of the Year because he’s our guidepost on the road of life.  Although when we stray from paths he’s marked so right, he doesn’t say ‘I told you so.’”  I confess that I got misty-eyed as I heard these words of honor being read to Jim.

I suspect that there is someone who has read this, and inwardly you are contending that this episode is presenting an unrealistic version of fatherhood.  I concede that the Anderson children’s essay was so complimentary that they almost paint their dad as a perfect model.  The thought is nice, but fact of the matter is even James Anderson isn’t a perfect father.  Furthermore, there is no such thing.  Certainly there are fathers who are worthy of honor (and by the way, if you have such a dad, I encourage you to tell him), but you won’t find a perfect father; not on TV, and not in real life.

Perhaps your relationship with your earthly father is more adversary than supporter.  It’s sad, but I know this is possible.  But, in my mind, the Anderson’s essay actually points us to God.  You say, “You lost me.  What are you talking about?”  Did you know that Jesus, the unique Son of God, repeatedly called God “Heavenly Father”?  Check out Matthew 6, for example, and see how often this designation is given in that chapter alone.  The Psalmist said, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me” (Psalm 27:10).  Run to God, the “Heavenly Father”.  He will embrace, accept, and receive you with open arms.

Kevin

Perhaps the biggest objection to forgiveness

Before moving on to something else, I wanted to submit one last installment on the subject of forgiveness – and thus complete the trilogy.  Somebody has read what I’ve had to say in the previous two blogs, and you have this objection: “I can’t forgive because to do so would mean that I would have to reconcile with my offender.  I can’t switch from treating the person who hurt me as a trusted friend rather than an enemy.”  This is a misunderstanding of forgiveness.

I recently heard author and speaker Deborah Pegues talk about this on a “Focus on the Family” interview.  She said to extend forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you will reconcile with your offender.  You might do so, but if the person isn’t trustworthy or repentant, you don’t have to endeavor to become best friends with them.  I say she is absolutely right.  In fact, in some cases, to reconcile with the offender may be the worst possible idea.  Let me illustrate this:

On the TV show “The Flash”, Barry Allen’s mother, Nora, was murdered when Barry was just 11 years old.  It takes many years (14 to be exact), but eventually the culprit is tracked down, and pays for this horrible deed.  In the aftermath, in season 2, it becomes apparent that Barry is still struggling with bitterness against the person who ended his mother’s life.  He comes to the point where he realizes that he has to forgive.  In a memorable scene, he declares aloud that he is choosing forgiveness.  As he does so, healing tears stream down Barry's face.  Question: does this mean that Barry should then become best buddies with the person who took his mother’s life?  Should he trust him?  Not in this case.  Nora Allen’s murderer showed no remorse, repentance, or guilt over this terrible act of violence.  Barry chose to forgive for his own emotional well-being.

Got questions.org has an excellent resource on this.  I wish I could cite the whole article, but I won’t.  At one point in the work, the author states, “However, if by “forgive and forget” one means, “I will act as if the sin never occurred and live as if I don’t remember it,” then we can run into trouble.  For example, a rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist, but that does not mean she should act as if that sin never happened.  To spend time alone with the rapist, especially if he is unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches.  Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against a person any longer, but forgiveness is different from trust.”  

(Source: https://www.gotquestions.org/forgive-forget.html)

You say, “These are extreme examples you are giving.”  True.  Nevertheless the underlying point remains the same: as Pastor Rick Ferguson once put it: even if the offender doesn’t deserve it and never even asks for it, we are still to forgive them.  The alternative – harboring unforgiveness – is to live a life where you are consumed by revenge, bitterness, and hostility.  In the film “Batman Forever”, Bruce Wayne counseled a seething Dick Grayson that if he was willing to take a life, he would “wake up one terrible morning and realize that revenge has become your whole life.”   Choose forgiveness.  The alternative is bitter fruit that you don’t want to taste.

Kevin

My Memorial Day reflections

When I was a boy, I had the privilege of singing Lee Greenwood’s song “God Bless the U.S.A.” on stage, with my dad playing the piano.  I actually sang this song on more than one occasion; I’m fortunate enough to even have one performance recorded for posterity.  I’ve been thinking about a line from that song.  It is highly applicable on this special day; it says, “And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free; and I won’t forget the men who died and gave that right to me.”

It is Memorial Day, 2018.  Memorial Day has been misunderstood.  Technically speaking, it is not the unofficial start of summer.  It is not a chance to enjoy an extra day off from work.  It is not even a chance to honor someone who has served in the military (more on this subject in a moment).  It is the chance to remember the people who gave their life in service of the United States of America.

One website states, “Many people confuse Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day.  Memorial Day is a day for remembering and honoring military personnel who died in the service of their country, particularly those who died in battle or as a result of wounds sustained in battle…Veteran’s Day is the day set aside to thank and honor ALL those who served honorably in the military – in wartime or peacetime” (https://www.va.gov/opa/vetsday/vetday_faq.asp - #5 in a list of frequently asked questions).

I don’t know where the phrase originated (apparently it dates back to the 1960’s), but someone was spot-on when they said, “Freedom is not free.”  This Memorial Day enjoy your cookouts, time with friends, shopping, and relaxation.  But please take some time to contemplate that your freedom as an American is not free; it came at the high cost of noble individuals who sacrificed their life.  That’s what Memorial Day is all about.

Kevin 

The nuts and bolts of forgiveness

Last week – May 8th – was Teacher Appreciation Day.  It is a wonderful thing that we have a day to honor teachers.  They deserve to be recognized and appreciated.  They have a tough job with little fanfare or gratitude.  As I thought about that special day, it dawned on me that there are teachers who don’t teach in a classroom; they teach at a pulpit on Sunday mornings.  Pastors are teachers too, and they should be acknowledged for what they do.

In light of this, I wanted to present the words of a pastor from days gone by to you.  Dr. Rick Ferguson was a commendable pastor in Colorado; he unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 46, in 2002.  I am fortunate to have in my collection a sermon he preached on forgiveness back in the 90’s.  As you may have seen from my title today, I’ve taken the liberty of calling Dr. Ferguson’s words “The nuts and bolts of forgiveness”.  Without further ado, here they are:
 

“As surely as I’m standing here, I know that I speaking to some of you…who have been victimized and traumatized and for me to try to understand your pain, it would be foolish, because I’ve not been through the pain that you’ve felt.  The crimes that have been committed against you are horrendous.  But I still want to say to you the truth of the Word of God: it’s a sin to be unwilling to forgive your offender or offenders…you’ll continue to be the victim, and you will never be free from the crisis that crushed you until you forgive the person who did it.

Some of you are struggling with [the question of], ‘How do I forgive?’  Let me tell you, forgiveness is, first of all, an act of the will, not of the emotions.  You won’t feel like forgiving someone that’s offended you.  In fact, the more you let your emotions drive you, the less you’ll feel like it, the angrier and more hostile you’ll become.

Once you say you forgive them, you probably won’t feel like you’ve really forgiven them.  But you have to reckon it to be so.  That’s not just a Missouri word, that’s a Bible word.  Reckon it to be so; count it to be so; remind yourself that it’s so.  You’ll have to continually remind yourself, ‘That debt is secured; that debt is finished; that debt is closed.  I’ve forgiven that person they no longer owe me.’

You’re saying, ‘How long will it take before I start to feel like I’ve forgiven them?’  I don’t know.  That usually depends on how long you’ve held on to that root of bitterness.  Remember what I told you earlier?  The longer you hold on to it, the more deeply embedded it becomes.  But I’m telling you, my friend, if you’ll exercise an act of the will, and the power of the Spirit of God…it won’t be long before the emotions come along.  What you’ve declared rightfully so in your will, soon will be a true reality in your heart and emotions.”

Let me conclude with my two cents worth.  I have practiced the concepts presented today numerous times in my life.  I can attest to you that Pastor Rick is absolutely right.  My custom is to actually pray a prayer of forgiveness (I find this helps me to drive a stake down on my decision).  I pray to the Lord and tell Him that I am choosing forgiveness towards the person who hurt me.  It does take some time, but eventually my emotions follow my decision.  It is my hope and prayer that if you have been in bondage to unforgiveness, the Lord will use the words of this faithful man of God from the past to set you free today.

Kevin

The necessity of forgiveness

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again: forgiveness is incredibly powerful.  I think sometimes we forget just how vital, liberating, and potent it really is.  It’s important to be reminded how forgiveness is an essential component in life.  In fact, I would be so bold as to put it this way: you and I will never live life to its fullest if we don’t forgive.  That’s why in the Bible we are told over and over to choose forgiveness.

Recently, I’ve been reading the excellent book “The Superheroes Devotional” by Ed Strauss.  In a chapter on the film Spider-Man 3, he writes, “After defeating Venom, Peter goes to see Mary Jane.  She convinces him that although they’d hurt each other, they had to forgive.  So they reconcile.  In fact, Peter has learned his lesson so well that at the end of the movie, when a repentant Flint Marko tells him he is remorseful over killing Uncle Ben, Peter forgives him.  The message behind the story is thoroughly Christian…The Bible says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32 KJV).”

“God knows that it’s wrong when someone deliberately offends you, takes advantage of you, gossips about you, or harms you.  He understands how these things can hurt you.  He also knows that it’s a common human reaction to want the other person to feel pain in return.  But only God can administer justice perfectly.  So the Bible says, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends…for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19 NIV)…He wants you to unhook your fingers from the offense against you and give Him room to work.  He wants you to even refrain from praying for vengeance, but instead to forgive the offending party” (From “The Superheroes Devotional”, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission).

By the way, this notion of extending forgiveness doesn’t just apply to others.  If you’re like me, you don’t give yourself the patience, understanding, and mercy to yourself that you would to someone else.  I seem to be my harshest critic.  I’m not proud of this; I’m just being honest.  Perhaps this is why I resonated with a statement that was made on a recent episode of the TV show “The Flash”.  Someone said to Barry Allen (alias “The Flash”), “You treat everyone around you with kindness and respect.  Just remember to do the same for yourself every once in a while.”  Wise words.

Kevin

"I cry to You, O Lord"

Today is the National Day of Prayer.  It is a tremendous blessing that we have a day such as this set aside to pray and cry out to our great Creator.  This is actually something that has been practiced for centuries.  As one website states, “Days of prayer have a long history in America.”  The site goes on to list dozens of instances of this.  There are so many examples that could be underscored, but this paragraph caught my attention:

“The same week Congress passed the Bill of Rights, President George Washington declared [these words on] October 3, 1789…“Both houses of Congress have by their joint Committee, requested me ‘to recommend to the People of the United States a Day of Public Thanksgiving and Prayer to be observed’… I do recommend the 26th day of November…that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks…Humbly offering our prayers to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations, and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions.” (Source: http://www.nationaldayofprayer.org/history_of_prayer_in_america)

Furthermore, Abraham Lincoln once said, “It is the duty of nations as well as men, to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God, to confess their sins and transgressions, in humble sorrow, yet with the assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon.” (Source: http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/fast.htm)

May I tell you how motivated I was by Abraham Lincoln’s words in that quote?  I was inspired, first of all, to confess my dependence on God once more.  Psalm 73:25 sums up my heartfelt cry: “My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  The beginning of that verse brings up mankind’s sin problem; which leads me to the second aspect of Lincoln’s thoughts that I want to emphasize: confession of sin to God.

Psalm 130 is a beautiful passage; in the first few verses we read, “Out of the depths, I cry to You, O Lord…Let Your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.  If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins…who could stand?  But with You, there is forgiveness.”  Matthew West, in his beautiful song, “Mended” presents the lyrics as if God Himself were singing.  At one point in the song, this line is given: “You see your worst mistake; I see the price I paid.”  Because of the cross of Jesus Christ; because of His shed blood for us, we can be forgiven.  This is something to be celebrated, not just on the National Day of Prayer, but every single day.

Kevin