Perhaps the biggest objection to forgiveness

Before moving on to something else, I wanted to submit one last installment on the subject of forgiveness – and thus complete the trilogy.  Somebody has read what I’ve had to say in the previous two blogs, and you have this objection: “I can’t forgive because to do so would mean that I would have to reconcile with my offender.  I can’t switch from treating the person who hurt me as a trusted friend rather than an enemy.”  This is a misunderstanding of forgiveness.

I recently heard author and speaker Deborah Pegues talk about this on a “Focus on the Family” interview.  She said to extend forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you will reconcile with your offender.  You might do so, but if the person isn’t trustworthy or repentant, you don’t have to endeavor to become best friends with them.  I say she is absolutely right.  In fact, in some cases, to reconcile with the offender may be the worst possible idea.  Let me illustrate this:

On the TV show “The Flash”, Barry Allen’s mother, Nora, was murdered when Barry was just 11 years old.  It takes many years (14 to be exact), but eventually the culprit is tracked down, and pays for this horrible deed.  In the aftermath, in season 2, it becomes apparent that Barry is still struggling with bitterness against the person who ended his mother’s life.  He comes to the point where he realizes that he has to forgive.  In a memorable scene, he declares aloud that he is choosing forgiveness.  As he does so, healing tears stream down Barry's face.  Question: does this mean that Barry should then become best buddies with the person who took his mother’s life?  Should he trust him?  Not in this case.  Nora Allen’s murderer showed no remorse, repentance, or guilt over this terrible act of violence.  Barry chose to forgive for his own emotional well-being.

Got questions.org has an excellent resource on this.  I wish I could cite the whole article, but I won’t.  At one point in the work, the author states, “However, if by “forgive and forget” one means, “I will act as if the sin never occurred and live as if I don’t remember it,” then we can run into trouble.  For example, a rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist, but that does not mean she should act as if that sin never happened.  To spend time alone with the rapist, especially if he is unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches.  Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against a person any longer, but forgiveness is different from trust.”  

(Source: https://www.gotquestions.org/forgive-forget.html)

You say, “These are extreme examples you are giving.”  True.  Nevertheless the underlying point remains the same: as Pastor Rick Ferguson once put it: even if the offender doesn’t deserve it and never even asks for it, we are still to forgive them.  The alternative – harboring unforgiveness – is to live a life where you are consumed by revenge, bitterness, and hostility.  In the film “Batman Forever”, Bruce Wayne counseled a seething Dick Grayson that if he was willing to take a life, he would “wake up one terrible morning and realize that revenge has become your whole life.”   Choose forgiveness.  The alternative is bitter fruit that you don’t want to taste.

Kevin