Some things you shouldn't say to a grieving person

There’s an interesting verse tucked away in Job 2.  Job has endured the worst episode of suffering in his life.  He has essentially lost everything he had except for his life.  As the dust finally starts to settle, we read that three of Job’s friends want to support, encourage, and comfort him.  What do they do?  Job 2:13: “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”

 

Did you get that?  Nobody said anything to Job; they simply supported him by being with him.  There’s great wisdom in this approach.  In fact, the second they began to open their mouths they just made everything worse.  They began to articulate that they knew why such calamity came upon Job.  Essentially, they each put their foot in their mouth.

As I have walked this path of loss, I have noticed that some well-intentioned people have said things that shouldn't be said to a grieving person.  For example, someone said, “God needed another angel up there in Heaven.”  Please don’t ever say that to someone in mourning.  If God needed another angel, He would simply create more.  He doesn’t take someone to Heaven because He needs another angel.

Here’s another one: “Time heals all wounds.”  I’m processing living without my dad and you want to tell me that time is just going to heal my wound?  I’ve talked to enough people who have a lost a parent who would tell you that the wound from this kind of loss never really goes away.  Yes, in time it becomes more bearable, but it’s like a deep cut that can easily be re-opened.  For example, after hearing your loved one’s favorite song you are still going to cry.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.

Some will take on the role of Job’s friends and explain to the grieving person, in no uncertain terms, exactly why God did this.  Be very careful.  God’s ways and thoughts are not ours.  Sometimes there are no answers and that’s OK.  Furthermore, a grieving person doesn’t need an explanation; they need support.

By the way, I think it's important for me to state that when someone has said something inappropriate during this time of grieving and loss, I'm well aware that they were well-meaning.  They didn't intend to say something that they shouldn't have said.  Their heart was in the right place.  They wanted to speak words of comfort and healing.  So I'm not insinuating that I'm angry at the people who have said these odd phrases.  I'm writing this blog today because I'm walking a path of loss that you might not be walking, and thus I wanted to share my perspective with you.  

Furthermore, I’m not suggesting that you can’t say anything to a grieving person.  I’m simply proposing that it is best to use discernment, prudence, and common sense.  Put yourself in the grieving person’s shoes.  They have lost their loved one, so is it really wise to say, “God needed another angel in Heaven”?  It would be much better to just give the person a hug, and simply say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Kevin