Some things you shouldn't say to a grieving person

There’s an interesting verse tucked away in Job 2.  Job has endured the worst episode of suffering in his life.  He has essentially lost everything he had except for his life.  As the dust finally starts to settle, we read that three of Job’s friends want to support, encourage, and comfort him.  What do they do?  Job 2:13: “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”

 

Did you get that?  Nobody said anything to Job; they simply supported him by being with him.  There’s great wisdom in this approach.  In fact, the second they began to open their mouths they just made everything worse.  They began to articulate that they knew why such calamity came upon Job.  Essentially, they each put their foot in their mouth.

As I have walked this path of loss, I have noticed that some well-intentioned people have said things that shouldn't be said to a grieving person.  For example, someone said, “God needed another angel up there in Heaven.”  Please don’t ever say that to someone in mourning.  If God needed another angel, He would simply create more.  He doesn’t take someone to Heaven because He needs another angel.

Here’s another one: “Time heals all wounds.”  I’m processing living without my dad and you want to tell me that time is just going to heal my wound?  I’ve talked to enough people who have a lost a parent who would tell you that the wound from this kind of loss never really goes away.  Yes, in time it becomes more bearable, but it’s like a deep cut that can easily be re-opened.  For example, after hearing your loved one’s favorite song you are still going to cry.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.

Some will take on the role of Job’s friends and explain to the grieving person, in no uncertain terms, exactly why God did this.  Be very careful.  God’s ways and thoughts are not ours.  Sometimes there are no answers and that’s OK.  Furthermore, a grieving person doesn’t need an explanation; they need support.

By the way, I think it's important for me to state that when someone has said something inappropriate during this time of grieving and loss, I'm well aware that they were well-meaning.  They didn't intend to say something that they shouldn't have said.  Their heart was in the right place.  They wanted to speak words of comfort and healing.  So I'm not insinuating that I'm angry at the people who have said these odd phrases.  I'm writing this blog today because I'm walking a path of loss that you might not be walking, and thus I wanted to share my perspective with you.  

Furthermore, I’m not suggesting that you can’t say anything to a grieving person.  I’m simply proposing that it is best to use discernment, prudence, and common sense.  Put yourself in the grieving person’s shoes.  They have lost their loved one, so is it really wise to say, “God needed another angel in Heaven”?  It would be much better to just give the person a hug, and simply say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Kevin

Three options

Earlier this week, I talked about how, in 2002, the Ferguson family was plunged into an unexpected ordeal when Rick’s Earthly life ended after a car accident.  This news rocked everyone because of the suddenness of it.  Rick was only 46 years old.  I’ve been thinking about this episode because of the similarities to the road the Bauer family is now walking.  To cite another example of this, both my dad and Rick Ferguson had their “homecoming” (as we like to call it) in July.

I have in my possession the CD of Rick Ferguson’s Memorial Service.  Listening to it again has helped me in my grieving process.  Brett Ferguson, Rick’s oldest son, delivered a message on that day that I’m certain helped many people.  He said many useful things, but I want to share one quote in particular.  Here’s what he said:

“[There are] three options.  There are three ways you can look at what happened Thursday [July 25th, 2002].  You can say it was an accident.  If there is a god, he’s not in control.  Tragic things happen in life.  Dad was here, he lived a great life, and now he’s gone.  It’s too bad.  It’s hard to make sense out of that [option].  You could say, “It wasn’t an accident, it was an attack from Satan.”  Dad was doing good things and Satan just took him.  Well, that leaves God pretty impotent, doesn’t it?

Or a third option: a beautiful [and] glorious appointment.  God is in Heaven.  He knows what is going on.  When [for example] Dad was hit by a car at age 13, God breathed life into him, because He knew that his appointment wasn’t until last Thursday [July 25, 2002].  So it’s up to you, you can look at this at any of those three ways.  I’m going to choose to look at this as an appointment.  Because I believe that God is sovereign [that is, that He is in complete control].”

I am with Brett.  Death is not a random, arbitrary event.  Nor is death a satanic attack.  Don’t forget that God is much more powerful than Satan.  For example, in the book of Job, God gives Satan the green light to afflict Job, but He tells the devil that he must spare Job’s life. Whether he liked it or not, Satan had to comply with God’s command.

Psalm 139:16 is a verse that is a tremendous comfort.  It reads, “Your eyes saw me when I was still an unformed child.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book before one of them had taken place” (GWT).  Even before my dad was born God knew when his “homecoming” was going to be.  We don’t live a day longer or a day shorter than what God ordained.

Kevin

The words I said at my father's service

I thought you would enjoy knowing what I said about my father at his funeral service.  So I transcribed it and will share them with you now.

“Hello everyone.  I’m the first-born son, Kevin.  I had the honor of calling Jerry my father.  You know, there’s only one Jerry Bauer.  There’s no way any of us could duplicate who he was.  Both my brother and I have a love for superheroes that he didn’t particularly share.  But that’s one of our quirks, we both love superheroes.

I’m a writer.  Not a professional writer, but I do love to write.  I found something that I wrote a couple years ago.  I said: ‘You don’t have to have superhuman speed or strength like Superman to be a superhero.  One can be a normal, everyday person, and be a superhero, if they live out their life in a self-sacrificial way.  If they live a life in humble service to others.’  I looked at that and I thought, “That’s my father.”  I’ll read it again.  ‘One can be a normal, everyday person, and be a superhero, if they live out their life in a self-sacrificial way.  If they live a life in humble service to others.’

My father was a superhero.  And coming from me, that is a very high compliment.  I want to be as selfless, altruistic, and unselfish as my father, Jerry, was.

God bless you all”

Kevin

The heart of a servant

In 1999, Pastor Rick Ferguson wrote a book entitled “The Servant Principle”.  I’ve been thinking about Pastor Rick lately because no one on Earth could possibly have known that only a few years later – 2002 – Rick was going to enter eternity.  No one would have ever predicted that this was going to happen to him at such a young age (he was 46).  As his family, his church, and his friends came to the realization that they were going to have to live life without him, they were stunned and completely shell-shocked.  As you know, I can certainly relate!

Today, I want to share a quote from Rick’s book.  He wrote, “True servants do not draw attention to themselves.  In fact, they will try to divert the attention away from themselves, pointing instead to Christ and to others.  A true servant is just like John the Baptist, who said of the Lord Jesus, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30; KJV)… A servant is willing to serve unnoticed without applause.  Servants never seek any recognition.”

It’s undeniable that my dad was a servant.  He epitomized that quote.  He served without demanding accolades, recognition, or the limelight.  Someone said that he did his duties stealthily or perhaps a good illustration is like a spy.  He would do the job, and then quietly move on, never expecting fanfare, praise, or applause.  In fact, if he did happen to get the praise, he quickly diverted it to God.  Let me tell you a quick story to illustrate.

I don’t recall all of the details, but Dad was able to help someone in his sphere of influence.  Everyone was trying to heap praise upon him, but he wouldn’t have it.  I remember very clearly what he said; he simply declared, “I give God the glory for that.”  That was my dad!  He didn’t hog the spotlight.  He knew that life wasn’t about receiving praise from mankind; it was about serving faithfully without acclaim.

Kevin

Revisiting a Spider-Man quote

In an episode of Spider-Man the animated series, Peter Parker, a man who is used to dealing with adverse circumstances, finds himself completely panic-stricken.  He finds himself framed for a crime that he didn’t commit.  As he contemplates this scary situation, he remarks, “Life is like a thunderstorm.  It’s unpredictable, uncontrollable, sometimes even dangerous.  We’d like to think we have a handle on life; that we are in charge.  Then, without warning, we find out how wrong we really are.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Some of you may recognize that quote as I’ve cited it several times in this blog.  But never in a billion years would I have envisioned that when I first quoted it the path God would eventually have me walk is living a life without my father.  If you want an illustration of just how unpredictable life is, if you want an example of how we are not in charge of life, I invite you to look no further than the death of a 60 year old man who had no signs whatsoever that he was living his last days on this Earth.

 

One of the most arrogant statements I’ve ever heard in my life was when I heard a public speaker state that he “expected” to live to be 100 years old.  Yes, “expect” is the exact word that he used.  What a foolish thing to say!  This experience has taught me afresh that you can’t have a cavalier attitude about life.  Death can come at any age.  It doesn’t say, “Oh, hold on, this person has only lived 6 months, 20 years, 35 years, or 60 years.  I’ll be back later.”  Life is fragile, and it shouldn’t be taken for granted.  I have a keychain that has this inscription on it: “Each day is a gift from God.”  Cherish every day for the gift that it is. 

Kevin

Helpful words

Not long ago, I talked about the short-lived TV show “Birds of Prey”.  While some loved the show, others did not.  As for me, even though I am not blind to this show’s flaws, I have to admit that I enjoyed it.

 

In the pilot episode, Helena Kyle, the main character (who happens to be the child of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle), is talking with Barbara Gordon.  For those of you that don’t know, Barbara Gordon used to be Batman’s cohort, Batgirl.  In the show, Barbara was shot in the spine by the Joker, confining her to a wheelchair. Because of this, she was obviously unable to be Batgirl anymore.  However, she is still able to serve Gotham City by aiding Helena in the field with her experience, know-how, and technological expertise.

Helena says to Barbara, “I can’t be who you were.”  These words came to my mind as I continue to deal with the sudden loss of my father.  Barbara responded to Helena’s statement with words that I think my dad would say back to me, if he could.  She said, “Good.  Be yourself instead.”

As I said in my last blog, there’s only one Jerry Bauer.  I could never be my dad.  For instance, I’m a very serious person; Dad was a bit of a class clown.  For instance, upon arriving to his work, he would greet his coworkers, and ask them how they were doing.  After they answered, Dad would reply, “Well, you look terrible.”  Of course, he was kidding and everyone knew it.  In fact, they now acutely miss hearing him say that line.

I don’t have that kind of a sense of humor.  Now that Dad is gone, it would be easy to think, “OK, I need to work on being funnier, like Dad was.”  But my dad would echo the words of Barbara Gordon: “Be yourself instead.”  Years ago, Dr. Pepper ran a slogan that has stuck in my mind all this time.  It simply declared, “Be you.”  Judy Garland put it well when she said, “It’s better to be a first-rate version of yourself than a second-rate version of somebody else.”

Kevin

Not all heroes wear capes

2015 has been a difficult year for me.  I’ve documented some of the ordeals that have come my way.  While all of those trials were legitimate, they seem rather small compared to the news I'm about to share with you.  My father, Jerry, died.  He was only 60 years old.

 

This news is shocking because my father was the model of health.  He ate healthy foods; he exercised regularly; and he had very little caffeine.  Never in a million years would anyone predict that this would happen.  Yes, he had that Melanoma crisis back in May, but that was resolved – that wasn’t the cause.  You may be asking, “What was the cause, then?”  Well, as of right now, the reason eludes us (the autopsy report is still pending).  All we know for sure is his race on this Earth has concluded.

 

Let me move on to the impact that my father, Jerry Bauer, made on me.  In short, he was one of my heroes.  In fact, a couple of years ago, I got him a t-shirt for Father’s Day that had a picture of a man with Superman’s “S” emblem on the chest, and a flowing cape; the caption read: “Dad: Not all heroes wear capes.” 

That shirt is so apropos for my father because, like a superhero, Dad consistently served his wife, family, friends, and coworkers in so many ways, but he refused the credit for doing so.  He was one of the most unselfish people I’ve ever known.  I can't be Jerry Bauer.  He was one of a kind.  But I want to live the rest of my life honoring Dad and his memory by endeavoring to be as selfless, giving, and loving as he was.

Incidentally, his funeral was yesterday, and it was lovely.  I decided to put off blogging about this until after the funeral.  For one thing, we all have been so busy with the thousands of details it takes to put a service like this together.  

While I understand that not everyone who reads these words are praying people, I want to ask that you would please keep the Bauer family in your prayers.  Our worlds have been turned upside down.  Please keep my mother, Rose Mary, in your prayers.  She lost the love of her life.  She was married to my dad for 41 years.  Mom recently said that she felt like she is walking around without a right arm.

I’m sure you want to know how I am holding up.  Of course, I’m grieving and tremendously sad.  This is a road that I never would have signed up to walk.  But, as I’ve said to several people, the hope of Heaven is what is sustaining me.  My father is in Heaven because of his right relationship with God, through Jesus Christ.  Without this truth, I don’t know how I would endure.