Bittersweet holiday number 1

As I have contemplated a life without my father, one of the things I personally have not been looking forward to is holidays.  As wonderful as Christmas is, for example, I can envision that it is during these occasions that one can especially feel the absence of the dearly departed loved one.  Today is the first holiday for the Bauer family.  Today is Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary.  Because of this, this is obviously a rather hard day.

A friend recently shared a fitting statement with me.  He explained that he came up with this phrase many years ago, as he walked through death and loss in his life.  He said, “Smile while you cry.”  That’s what I want to do.  In fact, I asked him if I could use that statement, and he agreed.  Let me repeat it: “Smile while you cry.”  Smile as you look back and think of the wonderful memories, (and smile at how Dad is enjoying the incredible wonders of Heaven).  But obviously there are numerous tears as well.

In an attempt to “smile while I cry” I want to focus on the wonderful marriage that my parents enjoyed.  In fact, last year, I devoted a blog to the fact that it was my parent’s 40th anniversary.  Mom and Dad were able to have many anniversary celebrations.  Not only this, they were also able to have decades and decades of wedded bliss together.  They were very much in love.  They had a strong, stable marriage that many couples only dream of having.  In fact – as I said in my blog this time last year – their marriage was an inspiration not only to me, but also to many others as well.

Conversely, as I’ve already said, now that the Bauer family is walking this road of loss, today is a bittersweet day.  Please continue to pray for my mom.  This whole ordeal has been hard on all of us, but I think it affects her the most.  She recently said that the days are not getting easier, they are getting harder.  I imagine that this day will be an especially difficult day for her.

Kevin

"Father to the fatherless"

In Psalm 68, we read, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling” (verse 5; NIV).  I found a helpful article from the website got questions.org.  This article is answering the question why God is called a “father to the fatherless.”  I’m not going to quote the whole thing here (I will have a link below), but check out this paragraph.

“He presents himself as a Father because we all know what a father is and does.  Even if we did not have earthly fathers who treated us well, we have an intrinsic understanding of what a good father should be.  God planted that understanding in our hearts.  We all have a need to be loved, cherished, protected, and valued.  Ideally, an earthly father will meet those needs, but even if he doesn’t, God will.  Jesus taught His followers to address God as Father (Luke 11:2).  Throughout Scripture, God describes His love for us as that of a caring parent (Isaiah 49:15; John 16:26-27; 2 Corinthians 6:18).  Although He possesses characteristics of both father and mother (Isaiah 66:13), He chooses the masculine word because it denotes strength, protection, and provision (Psalm 54:4).”

I had the thought that someone came across this blog for the very first time because you were drawn to the concept of God being a father to the fatherless.  Perhaps your dad has recently died.  Perhaps your father has been completely absent and detached from your life.  Whatever the case may be, it’s not an accident that God led you to this blog.  Not because my words are great, but because God’s Word is great.  The Bible explicitly states that God is a father to the fatherless.  He will fill the void that your earthly father’s absence has created.

Perhaps you are thinking, “How do you know that?”  I know it because God’s path for my life was for my wonderful father’s earthly existence to end last month at the age of 60.  We still have no idea why this occurred aside from the broad answer that it was the time God predetermined before he was even born (see Psalm 139:16).

 

My dad was a great dad.  He was always ready at a moment’s notice to help me in whatever way I needed help.  But now that he is gone, I have noticed that God really is a “father to the fatherless.” I love that last sentence in that got questions.org article that I cited earlier.  It reads, “He chooses the masculine word because it denotes strength, protection, and provision.”  Throughout this whole dark, trying, painful season, God has shown that He is strong, He is protector, and He is provider.

Kevin

http://www.gotquestions.org/father-to-the-fatherless.html

Brief clarification

I think I know what some of you might be thinking.  You’ve seen that I’ve given my father some very high compliments in this blog.  I’ve called my dad things like a superhero and servant.  Thus, some of you have concluded that because I am without Dad now, I am guilty of idealizing him while being completely blinded to his faults.  This is simply not so.

I had the privilege of spending a lot of time with my dad.  I can say with confidence that I knew him well.  Therefore, I am well aware of his warts, faults, and shortcomings.  The things that I have said about my dad’s character are true.  He really was a wonderful man of God.  However, by saying these things, I’m not suggesting that he was some sort of a super-saint who lived a life free from, “the sin that so easily besets us” (the old King James version’s rendering of Hebrews 12).  My father had struggles with sin, just like everyone else.  The Bible says, "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us" (1 John 1:8).

Having freely admitted this, it is also undeniable that my father was growing in holiness and becoming more and more Christ-like as he was living out his last days on this Earth.  I could tell you stories to illustrate.   Dad completed his race with such qualities as integrity, faithfulness, and humility.  No, he wasn’t perfect, but he was overcoming, through the power of Jesus Christ.

Kevin  

The delights of Heaven

Because of recent events, I’ve been contemplating Heaven a lot.  I decided to look back at the various times I’ve highlighted Heaven in this blog.  I had fun doing so.  For example, in July of 2014, I wrote a blog entitled “Heaven: a place of bliss and happiness.”  In that blog I tried to dash the erroneous notion that Heaven is a boring place.  In Luke 23, Jesus actually calls Heaven “paradise”; the word “paradise” doesn’t really conjure up images of boredom, does it?

In that same blog, I also explained that not everyone goes to Heaven.  I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this notion today, but I did want to briefly mention it so that I’m not misunderstood.  Don’t buy into the erroneous idea that everybody in the whole wide world will ultimately access Heaven’s gates; the Bible never teaches that.  It is only reserved for those who have put their faith and trust in Jesus Christ.

In February of 2012, I used a scene from “The Wizard of Oz” to try to illustrate how wonderful Heaven is.  In the beginning, the movie is in black and white, but when Dorothy firsts arrives in Oz, she sees everything in brilliant color.  Plus, there is beautiful music playing.  I pointed out that while this scene isn’t the perfect illustration of Heaven - for instance, Dorothy immediately wanted to leave Oz - I hope it is a helpful mental picture for you, nevertheless.  

Heaven is going to be outstanding.  It will have beautiful sights, fantastic refrains of music, and various other amazing delights that are on a much higher level of anything our finite brains have ever experienced.  Oz's beauty, in stark contrast to Kansas, helps capture Heaven's incredible beauty in my brain, hopefully it does for yours as well.

In September of 2014, Truett Cathy went to be with the Lord; I blogged the news.  My words that day helped me as I contemplate this new chapter of my life now.  I talked about how there are men in Heaven that I will see again one day.  I mentioned my Grandfather, Pastor Rick Ferguson, and Truett Cathy.  I concluded that blog with words from an old hymn.  These words are like healing balm to me; they are as follows: “When we all see Jesus what a day of rejoicing that will be!  When we all see Jesus, we’ll sing and shout the victory!”

Kevin

Some things you shouldn't say to a grieving person

There’s an interesting verse tucked away in Job 2.  Job has endured the worst episode of suffering in his life.  He has essentially lost everything he had except for his life.  As the dust finally starts to settle, we read that three of Job’s friends want to support, encourage, and comfort him.  What do they do?  Job 2:13: “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”

 

Did you get that?  Nobody said anything to Job; they simply supported him by being with him.  There’s great wisdom in this approach.  In fact, the second they began to open their mouths they just made everything worse.  They began to articulate that they knew why such calamity came upon Job.  Essentially, they each put their foot in their mouth.

As I have walked this path of loss, I have noticed that some well-intentioned people have said things that shouldn't be said to a grieving person.  For example, someone said, “God needed another angel up there in Heaven.”  Please don’t ever say that to someone in mourning.  If God needed another angel, He would simply create more.  He doesn’t take someone to Heaven because He needs another angel.

Here’s another one: “Time heals all wounds.”  I’m processing living without my dad and you want to tell me that time is just going to heal my wound?  I’ve talked to enough people who have a lost a parent who would tell you that the wound from this kind of loss never really goes away.  Yes, in time it becomes more bearable, but it’s like a deep cut that can easily be re-opened.  For example, after hearing your loved one’s favorite song you are still going to cry.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.

Some will take on the role of Job’s friends and explain to the grieving person, in no uncertain terms, exactly why God did this.  Be very careful.  God’s ways and thoughts are not ours.  Sometimes there are no answers and that’s OK.  Furthermore, a grieving person doesn’t need an explanation; they need support.

By the way, I think it's important for me to state that when someone has said something inappropriate during this time of grieving and loss, I'm well aware that they were well-meaning.  They didn't intend to say something that they shouldn't have said.  Their heart was in the right place.  They wanted to speak words of comfort and healing.  So I'm not insinuating that I'm angry at the people who have said these odd phrases.  I'm writing this blog today because I'm walking a path of loss that you might not be walking, and thus I wanted to share my perspective with you.  

Furthermore, I’m not suggesting that you can’t say anything to a grieving person.  I’m simply proposing that it is best to use discernment, prudence, and common sense.  Put yourself in the grieving person’s shoes.  They have lost their loved one, so is it really wise to say, “God needed another angel in Heaven”?  It would be much better to just give the person a hug, and simply say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Kevin

Three options

Earlier this week, I talked about how, in 2002, the Ferguson family was plunged into an unexpected ordeal when Rick’s Earthly life ended after a car accident.  This news rocked everyone because of the suddenness of it.  Rick was only 46 years old.  I’ve been thinking about this episode because of the similarities to the road the Bauer family is now walking.  To cite another example of this, both my dad and Rick Ferguson had their “homecoming” (as we like to call it) in July.

I have in my possession the CD of Rick Ferguson’s Memorial Service.  Listening to it again has helped me in my grieving process.  Brett Ferguson, Rick’s oldest son, delivered a message on that day that I’m certain helped many people.  He said many useful things, but I want to share one quote in particular.  Here’s what he said:

“[There are] three options.  There are three ways you can look at what happened Thursday [July 25th, 2002].  You can say it was an accident.  If there is a god, he’s not in control.  Tragic things happen in life.  Dad was here, he lived a great life, and now he’s gone.  It’s too bad.  It’s hard to make sense out of that [option].  You could say, “It wasn’t an accident, it was an attack from Satan.”  Dad was doing good things and Satan just took him.  Well, that leaves God pretty impotent, doesn’t it?

Or a third option: a beautiful [and] glorious appointment.  God is in Heaven.  He knows what is going on.  When [for example] Dad was hit by a car at age 13, God breathed life into him, because He knew that his appointment wasn’t until last Thursday [July 25, 2002].  So it’s up to you, you can look at this at any of those three ways.  I’m going to choose to look at this as an appointment.  Because I believe that God is sovereign [that is, that He is in complete control].”

I am with Brett.  Death is not a random, arbitrary event.  Nor is death a satanic attack.  Don’t forget that God is much more powerful than Satan.  For example, in the book of Job, God gives Satan the green light to afflict Job, but He tells the devil that he must spare Job’s life. Whether he liked it or not, Satan had to comply with God’s command.

Psalm 139:16 is a verse that is a tremendous comfort.  It reads, “Your eyes saw me when I was still an unformed child.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book before one of them had taken place” (GWT).  Even before my dad was born God knew when his “homecoming” was going to be.  We don’t live a day longer or a day shorter than what God ordained.

Kevin

The words I said at my father's service

I thought you would enjoy knowing what I said about my father at his funeral service.  So I transcribed it and will share them with you now.

“Hello everyone.  I’m the first-born son, Kevin.  I had the honor of calling Jerry my father.  You know, there’s only one Jerry Bauer.  There’s no way any of us could duplicate who he was.  Both my brother and I have a love for superheroes that he didn’t particularly share.  But that’s one of our quirks, we both love superheroes.

I’m a writer.  Not a professional writer, but I do love to write.  I found something that I wrote a couple years ago.  I said: ‘You don’t have to have superhuman speed or strength like Superman to be a superhero.  One can be a normal, everyday person, and be a superhero, if they live out their life in a self-sacrificial way.  If they live a life in humble service to others.’  I looked at that and I thought, “That’s my father.”  I’ll read it again.  ‘One can be a normal, everyday person, and be a superhero, if they live out their life in a self-sacrificial way.  If they live a life in humble service to others.’

My father was a superhero.  And coming from me, that is a very high compliment.  I want to be as selfless, altruistic, and unselfish as my father, Jerry, was.

God bless you all”

Kevin